The Most Important Step Towards a Healthy Relationship

Everything around us is just a mirror of our inner world. Your partner, your lover is exactly the same. Why, you think, we often attract relationships with the same difficulties? They come to show us something. They come to reflect us what kind of believes we hold inside.

So if you want to build healthy relationship with someone, you have to build such with yourself first.

This is the most important step!

If you don't love yourself, don't receive yourself just as you are, judge and criticize yourself, two thins can happen:

1) You will attract the partner ,who will treat you the same way. (Although he is just a trigger, you will blame him for making you feeling like this)

2) You will meet someone, who treat you by the best way, but your fears will not allow you to experience and enjoy this love and freedom. You will always find the reason to become upset.

To build healthy relationship you have to release all believes you hold inside. They hide your beautiful real nature, which is love. When you clean dirt, beauty appears. You become so full of yourself, of happiness, of love. You don't depend of anyone anymore to feel good. Nobody can really make you suffering.

When you don't feel miserable, pity, unloved, you will be reflected in your life. You will not stay at the relationship, that you don't get appropriate attitude there. It will be changed by itself, naturally.

So this is what you can do:

Concentrate on giving yourself the qualities which you looking in your partner:

You want to be beloved?

You want someone consider you and your desires?

You want your partner to take care of you?

Or anything else....

Just start to give it to yourself:

Start to feel love-wake this feeling up inside you,

Start to consider yourself and to take care.

All that you look outside exist in you; you need just to strengthen the connection inside you with the qualities you are looking for.

Resilience in the Individual and in the Family System

Webster's Dictionary (1974) defines resilience as "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to change or misfortune" (p. 596). Although this definition is widely accepted, resilience may be conceptualized as being more than merely bouncing back from setbacks. Resilience may also be the ability to bounce forward in the face of an uncertain future (Walsh, 2004). Resilience has been conceptualized as the forging of strengths through adversity (Wolin & Wolin, 1993). Like the willow tree, people thrive if they have a strong, healthy root system. With branches flexible enough to bend with the storm and firm enough to weather strong winds without breaking, the willow tree can continue to grow despite being twisted into differing shapes. The willow tree may be a metaphor for the resilient individual and resilient family system. Resiliency is critical to mental health and healthy aging.

Bonanno (2004) defined adult resilience as a person's capacity to resist maladaptation in the face of risky experiences. Bonanno's individually-based definition of adult resilience assumes that resilience resides in the person, an observation supported by the list of individual attributes that covary with resilient outcomes in Bonanno's work (hardiness, self-enhancement, repressive coping, and positive emotion.). Importantly, this definition of resilience does not identify the positive outcomes that can result from adversity in the hardy individual. Despite Bonanno's (2004) narrow definition, his analysis includes an interesting finding that loss and brief traumatic experiences, despite being aversive and difficult to accept, are normatively not sufficient to overwhelm the adaptive resources of ordinary adults. Bonanno's research calls into question the research of Sameroff, Bartko, Baldwin, Baldwin, and Seifer (1998), which demonstrated in longitudinal analyses that as levels of adversity rise, and as resources fall, resilience becomes less tenable.

Rutter (1985) observed that strong self-esteem and self-efficacy make successful coping more likely, whereas a sense of helplessness increases the likelihood that one crisis will lead to another. In a similar vein, Kobasa's (1985) research findings supported his hypothesis that people with resilience possess three general traits: (1.) the belief that they can influence or control events in their lives; (2.) an ability to feel deeply committed and involved in activities in their lives; and (3.) a tendency to embrace change as an opportunity to grow and develop more fully. Thus, resilient children are more likely to have an inner locus of control (Seligman, 1990), or an optimistic belief that they can positively impact their fate.

Dugan and Coles (1989) suggest that individuals prevail over adversity more effectively if they have moral and spiritual resources. In a phenomenological study of nine subjects who had experienced such traumas as life in a concentration camp, disability, breast cancer, massive head injury, a life of violence and abuse, and loss of a child, Rose (1997) identified similar themes of resilience which emerged from individual interviews: the role of supportive others, empathy, self-care, faith, action orientation, moving on, positive outlook, and persistence. Rose identifies the foundational structure of resilience as faith, self-respect, striving, supportive others, coping, empathy, self-reliance, and moving on.

Closer scrutiny of children and families that are at risk reveals many exceptions to the "damage model" of development, which considers stress or disadvantage as predictive of dysfunction. For example, Werner and Smith (1992) conducted an extensive longitudinal study of almost a half a century of children from Kuai. The researchers found that in spite of early medical distress, poverty, school difficulties, teen pregnancy, or arrest, children were able to learn and persevere through difficulty, given adequate supports. In their analysis of how these impoverished children matured successfully, Vaillant (2002) notes that Werner and Smith emphasized, ". . . the importance of being a 'cuddly' child and of being a child who elicits predominantly positive responses from the environment and who manifests great skill at recruiting substitute parents" (p. 285). Werner and Smith point out that key turning points for most of these troubled individuals were meeting a caring friend and marrying an accepting spouse. It is also salient that Werner and Smith found that more girls than boys overcame adversity at all age levels. Walsh (2004) speculates that this finding reflects the notion that ". . . girls are raised to be both more easygoing and more relationally-oriented, whereas boys are taught to be tough and self-reliant through life. . . [and] often because of troubled family lives, competencies were built when early responsibilities were assumed for household tasks and care of younger siblings" (pp. 13-14). Werner and Smith's study is especially important in reminding clinicians that early life experiences do not necessarily guarantee significant problems in later life. Walsh (2004) suggests that their most significant finding is that resilience can be developed at any point over the course of the life cycle. Walsh extrapolates from Werner and Smith's research that ". . . unexpected events and new relationships can disrupt a negative chain and catalyze new growth" (p. 14). Favorable interactions with individuals, families and their environments have a systemic effect of moving resilience in upward spirals, and a downward spiral can be reversed at any time in life (Walsh, 2004).

Felsman and Vaillant (1987) followed the lives of 75 males living in impoverished, socially disadvantaged families. People who suffered from substance abuse, mental illness, crime and violence parented these men. Several of these men, although scarred by their childhoods, lived brave lives and became high functioning adults. Felsman and Vaillant concluded, "The events that go wrong in our lives do not forever damn us" (1987, p. 298).

Another study refuting the accuracy of the "damage model" is Kaufman and Zigler's (1987) finding that most survivors of childhood abuse do not go on to abuse their own children. Similarly, other research found that children of mentally ill parents or dysfunctional families have been able to prevail over early experiences of abuse or neglect to lead productive lives (Anthony, 1987; Cohler, 1987; Garmezy, 1987).

Werner (1995) identified clusters of protective factors that have emerged as recurrent themes in the lives of children who overcame great odds. The protective factors that were characteristic of the individual were myriad. Resilient youngsters are engaging to other people. Additionally, they excel in problem-solving skills and display effective communication skills. Problem solving skills included the ability to recruit substitute caregivers. Moreover, they have a talent or hobby valued by their elders or peers. Finally, they have faith that their own actions can make a positive difference in their lives.
From a developmental perspective, Werner (1995) emphasizes that having affectional ties that encourage trust, autonomy, and initiative enhances resilience. Members of the extended family or support systems in the community frequently provide these ties. These support systems reinforce and reward the competencies of resilient children and provide them with positive role models. Such supports may include caring neighbors, clergy, teachers, and peers.

In Vaillant's (2002) Study of Adult Development at Harvard University, arguably the longest longitudinal study on aging in the world, it is suggested that resiliency researchers who focus on risk factors and pathology are mistaken in believing that misfortune condemns disadvantaged children to bleak futures. Instead, Vaillant calls upon clinicians to count up the positive and the protective factors when conducting assessments. Vaillant cites Sir Michael Rutter (1985), who reminds clinicians, "The notion that adverse experiences lead to lasting damage to personality 'structure' has very little empirical support" (p. 598).

Vaillant (2002) identifies four protective factors in the individual's potential to age well. A future orientation, a capacity for gratitude and forgiveness, a capacity to love and to hold the other empathically, and the desire do things with people instead of to people are personal qualities identified as resiliency factors. He posits that ". . . marriage is not only important to healthy aging, it is often the cornerstone of adult resilience" (p. 291).

Furthermore, Vaillant (2002) describes resilience as being a combination of nature and nurture. Both genes and environment play crucial roles. He explains, "On one hand, our ability to feel safe enough to deploy adaptive defenses like humor and altruism is facilitated by our being among loving friends. On the other hand, our ability to appear so attractive to others that they will love us is very much dependent upon the genetic capacity that made some of us 'easy' attractive babies" (p. 285).

An essential part of resilience is ". . . the ability to find the loving and health-giving individuals within one's social matrix wherever they may be" (Vaillant, 2002, p. 286). Thus, like Werner and Smith (1992), Vaillant's research identified extended families and friendship networks as key foundations to resilience in the individual and the family system.

American culture glorifies the "rugged individual." John Wayne, the personification of masculinity and strength, has been adored by generations of Americans as a hero. However, there is an inherent danger in the myth of rugged individualism, which implies that vulnerability and emotional interdependence are weak and dysfunctional (Walsh, 2004). As Felsman and Vaillant (1987) note, "The term 'invulnerability' is antithetical to the human condition. . . In bearing witness to the resilient behavior of high-risk children everywhere, a truer effort would be to understand, in form and by degree, the shared human qualities at work" (p. 304). Avoidance of personal suffering and the glorification of stoicism are hallmarks of American culture. Such cultural attitudes are typified by the call to "move on," to "cheer up," to get over catastrophic events, to put national and global tragedies behind us, or to rebound (Walsh, 2004). Higgins (1994) notes that struggling well involves experiencing both suffering and courage, effectively processing and working through challenges from intrapersonal and interpersonal perspectives. In Higgin's study of resilient adults, it became clear that they became stronger because they were severely tested, endured suffering, and developed new strengths as a result of their trials. These adults experienced their lives more deeply and passionately. Walsh (2004) observes that over fifty per cent of the resilient individuals studied by Higgins were therapists. Egeland, B. R., Carlson, E. and Sroufe (1993) offer an alternative approach to thinking about resilience as ". . . a family of processes that scaffold successful adaptation in the context of adversity" (p. 517).

Important research conducted by Wolin and Wolin (1993) points toward the notion that although some children are born with innate resiliencies, resiliency can be modeled, taught, and increased. They emphasize that persons tend to seek healing from pain instead of holding on to bitterness. The researchers note that the resilient person draws lessons from experience instead of repeating mistakes, and that they maintain openness and spontaneity in their relationships rather than becoming rigid or bitter in interaction. Wolin and Wolin also found that resiliency in individuals is strongly correlated with humor and creativity, as well as mental and physical health. The Wolins identify seven traits of adults who survived a troubled childhood: insight (awareness of dysfunction), independence (distancing self from troubles), relationships (supportive connections with others), initiative (self/other-help actions), creativity (self-expression, transformation), humor (reframing in a less threatening way), and morality (justice and compassion rather than revenge). Traits are viewed as dynamic processes by which resilient individuals adapt to and grow through challenge, rather than static properties that automatically protect the invulnerable. These observations are correlated with empirical studies of resilient children (Baldwin, Baldwin, & Cole, 1990; Bernard, 1991; Garbarino, 1992; Masten, Best, & Garmezy, 1990; Werner & Smith, 1992) and adults (Klohnen, Vandewater, and Young, 1996, Vaillant, 2002).

Walsh (2004) asserts, "In the field of mental health, most clinical theory, training, practice, and research have been overwhelmingly deficit-focused, implicating the family in the cause or maintenance of nearly all problems in individual functioning. Under early psychoanalytic assumptions of destructive maternal bonds, the family came to be seen as a noxious influence. Even the early family systems formulations focused on dysfunctional family processes well in the mid-1980's" (p. 15).

The popularity of the Adult Children of Alcoholics Movement surged in the late twentieth century and encouraged people to blame their families for their problems. This movement tempted the individual to make excuses for his behavior in terms of his dysfunctional family history instead of looking for family strengths that might help him/her overcome challenge and become stronger. Adult Children of Alcoholics ". . . spend much of their time other-focused, and it is easy for them to become preoccupied with another group member's problem, take responsibility for it, and avoid the painful job of self-examination and taking responsibility for their own behavior" (Lawson & Lawson, 1998, p. 263).

In contrast to this damage model, the Wolins offered an alternative way to view challenging family backgrounds: a Challenge Model to build resilience, stating that ". . . the capacity for self-repair in adult children of alcoholics taught [them] that strength can emerge from adversity" (p. 15). The Wolins reflect a paradigm shift in recent years, as family systems therapists have started to focus upon a competence-based, strength-oriented approach (Barnard, 1994; Walsh, 1993, 1995a). A family resilience approach builds on recent research, empowering therapists to move away from deficit and focus upon ways that families can be challenged to grow stronger from adversity (Walsh, 2004). From the perspective of the Challenge Model, stressors can become potential springboards for increased competence, as long as the level of stress is not too high (Wolin & Wolin, 1993). Walsh notes, "The Chinese symbol for the word 'crisis' is a composite of two pictographs: the symbols for 'danger' and 'opportunity'" (p. 7). Wolin and Wolin (1993) observe that we may not wish for adversity, but the paradox of resilience is that our worst times can also become our best.

It is clear that the extensive research on resilient individuals largely points toward the social nature of resilience. However, most resiliency theory has approached the systemic context of resilience tangentially, in terms of the influence of a single, important person, such as a parent or caregiver (Bowlby, 1988). Looking at resilient family functioning through a systemic lens calls upon the clinician to view individual resilience as being embedded in family process and mutual influence (Walsh, 2004). Walsh suggests that if ". . . researchers and clinicians adopt a broader perspective beyond a dyadic bond and early relationships, [they] become aware that resilience is woven in a web of relationships and experiences over the course of the life cycle and across the generations" (p. 12).

It has only been in the last twenty five years or so that families that cope well under stress have been the subject of research (Stinnet & DeFrain, 1985; Stinnett, Knorr, DeFrain, & Rowe, 1981). A growing body of knowledge has pointed toward the multidimensional nature of family processes that distinguish adaptive family systems from maladaptive family systems (Walsh, 2004). Walsh (2004) defines "family resilience" as ". . . the coping and adaptational processes in the family as a functional unit," [and adds that]. . . a systems perspective enables us to understand how family processes mediate stress and enable families to surmount crisis and weather prolonged hardship" (p. 14). Strong families create a climate of optimism, resourcefulness, and nurturance which mirrors the traits of resilient individuals (Walsh, 2004). In fact, research on family adaptation and on family strengths suggests the following traits of resilient families: commitment, cohesion, adaptability, communication, spirituality, effective resource management, and coherence (Abbott, et al., 1990; Antonovsky, 1987; Beavers & Hampson, 1990; Moos & Moos, 1976; Olson, Russell, & Sprenkle, 1989; Reiss, 1981; Stinnett, et al., 1982). Walsh observes, ". . . a family resilience lens fundamentally alters our perspective by enabling us to recognize, affirm, and build upon family resources" (Walsh, 2004, p. viii). Rutter's (1987) research added further confirmation that resilience is fostered in family interactions through a chain of indirect influences that inoculate family members against long-term damage from stressful events. It is essential to consider family resilience as a major variable in a family's ability to cope and adapt in the face of stress (McCubbin, McCubbin, McCubbin, & Futrell, 1995).

Bennett, Wolin, and Reiss (1988) concluded from their research that children who grew up in alcoholic families that deliberately planned and executed family rituals, valued relationships, and preferred roles were less likely to exhibit behavior or emotional problems. They argue that families with serious problems, such as parental alcoholism, which can still impose control over those parts of family life that are central to the family's identity, communicate important messages to their children regarding their ability to take control of present and future life events. These messages can determine the extent to which the children are protected from developing future problems, including alcoholism in adolescence and adulthood.

Patterson (1983) asserts that it is only to the extent that stressors interrupt important family processes that children are impacted. However, from a systemic perspective, it is not only the child who is vulnerable or resilient; most salient is how the family system influences eventual adjustment (Walsh, 2004). Even those family members who are not directly touched by a crisis are profoundly affected by the family response, with reverberations for all other relationships (Bowen, 1978). Following from these ideas, it is clear that "Slings and arrows of misfortune strike us all, in varying ways and times over each family's life course. What distinguishes healthy families is not the absence of problems, but rather their coping and problem-solving abilities" (Walsh, 2004, p. 15).
From an ecological perspective, Rutter (1987) suggests that it is not enough to take into account the sphere of the family as influencing risk and resilience in the individual and family life cycles. He emphasizes that it is also incumbent upon therapists to assess the interplay between families and the political, social, economic, and social climates in which people either thrive or perish. Rutter's findings suggest that it is insufficient to focus exclusively on bolstering at-risk individuals and families, but there must also be public policy efforts to change the odds against them.
In the twenty first century, it is apparent that the configuration of the family is shifting. Diverse forms of family systems do not inherently damage children (Walsh, 2004). Walsh emphasizes, "It is not family form, but rather family processes, that matter most for healthy functioning and resilience" (p. 16).

One family process that governs how a family responds to a new situation is the way in which shared beliefs shape and reinforce communication patterns (Reiss, 1981). Hadley and his colleagues (1974) found that a disruptive transition or crisis could potentiate a major shift in the family belief system, with both immediate and long-term effects on reorganization and adaptation. Additionally, Carter and McGoldrick (1999) suggest that how a family perceives a stressful situation intersects with legacies of previous crises in the multigenerational system to influence the meaning the family makes of the adversity and its response to it.

Walsh (2004) asserts, "A cluster of two or more concurrent stresses complicates adaptation as family members struggle with competing demands, and emotions can easily spill over into conflict. . . . Over time, a pileup of stressors, losses, and dislocations can overwhelm a family's coping efforts, contributing to family strife, substance abuse, and emotional or behavioral symptoms of distress (often expressed by children in the family)" (p. 21). Figley (1989) noted that catastrophic events that occur suddenly and without warning can be particularly traumatic. Bowen (1978) suggested that shock wave effects of a trauma might reverberate through the system and extend forward into multiple generations. Thus, Walsh (2004) calls upon therapists to take a systemic approach to intervention in the face of crisis, with interventions that ". . . strengthen key interactional processes that foster healing, recovery, and resilience, enabling the family and its members to integrate the experience and move on with life" (p. 22).

To understand resilience, one must also look through a developmental lens (Carter & McGoldrick, 1999). Neugarten (1976) found that stressful life events are more apt to cause maladaptive functioning when they are unexpected. Also, multiple stressors create cumulative effects, and chronic severe conditions are more likely to affect functioning adversely. However, Cohler (1987) and Vaillant's (1995) research found that the role of early life experience in determining adult capacity to overcome adversity is less important than was previously believed. Thus, discontinuity and long-term perspectives on the individual and family life cycle point toward the idea that people are constantly "becoming" and have life courses that are flexible and multidetermined (Falicov, 1988). Furthermore, Walsh (2004) suggests that ". . . an adaptation that serves well at one point in development may later not be useful in meeting other challenges" (p. 13). Research has pointed toward a greater risk in vulnerability for boys in childhood and for girls in adolescence (Elder, Caspi, & Nguyen, 1985; Werner & Smith, 1982). All these variables highlight the dynamic nature of resilience over time.

In the field of family therapy, it is incumbent upon researchers and practitioners to recognize that successful treatment depends as much on the resources of the family as on the resources of the individual or the skills of the clinician (Karpel, 1986; Minuchin, 1992). Family processes can influence the aftermath of many traumatic events, reverberating into the course of the lives of people in future generations. Individual resilience must be understood and nurtured in the context of the family and vice-versa. Both immediate crisis and chronic stressors affect the entire family and all its members, posing threats not only to the individual, but also for relational conflict and family breakdown in current and future generations. Family processes may mediate the impact of crisis on all members and their relationships. Protective processes build resilience by promoting recovery and buffering stress. Indeed, healthy family processes influence the effects of present and future crises far into the future (Bowen, 1978; Kerr & Bowen, 1988). Since all families and their members have the potential to become more resilient, family therapists should work to maximize that potential by strengthening key processes within the individual and within the system.

References Abbott, D. A., & Meredith, W. (1988). Characteristics of strong families: Perceptions of ethnic parents. Home Economics Research Journal, 17, 140-147.

Anthony, E. J. (1987). Risk, vulnerability, and resilience: An overview. In E. J. Anthony & B. Cohler (Eds.), The invulnerable child. New York: Guilford Press.

Anatovsky, A. (1987). Unraveling the mystery of health: How people manage stress and stay well. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Baldwin, A. L., Baldwin, C., & Cole, R. E. (1990). Stress-resistant families and stress-resistant children. In J. Rolf, A. S. Mastern, D. Chichetti, K. H. Neuchterlein, and S. Weintraub (Eds.), Risk and protective factors in the development of psychopathology (pp. 257-280). New York: Cambridge University Press.

Beavers, W. R., & Hampson, R. B. (1990). Successful families: Assessment and intervention. New York: Norton.

Bennett, L. A., Wolin, S. J., & Reiss, D. (1988). Deliberate family process: A strategy for protecting children of alcoholics. British Journal of Addiction, 83, 821-829.

Bernard, B. (1991). Fostering resiliency in kids: Protective factors in the family, school, and Community. Western Regional Center for Drug-free Schools and Communities.

Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? American Psychologist, 59, 20-28.

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. New York: Jason Aronson.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. New York: Basic Books.

Carter, B., & McGoldrick, M. (Eds.). (1999). The expanded family life cycle: Individual, family, and social perspectives (3rd ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

Cohler, B. (1987). Adversity, resilience, and the study of lives. In E. J. Anthony & B. Cohler (Eds.), The invulnerable child. New York: Guilford Press.

Dugan, T., & Coles, R. (Eds.). (1989). The child in our times: Studies in the development of resiliency. New York: Brunner/Mazel.

Elder, G., Caspi, A., & Nguyen, T. V. (1985). Resourceful and vulnerable children: Family influences in hard times. In R. K. Silbereisen & K. Eyferth (Eds.), Development in context. New York: Springer.

Egeland, B. R., Carlson, E., & Stroufe, L. A. (1993). Resilience as process. Development and Psychopathology, 5, 517-528.

Falicov, C. J. (Ed.). (1988). Family transitions: Continuity and change over the life cycle. New York: Guilford Press.

Felsman, J. K., & Vaillant, G. (1987). Resilient children as adults: A 40-year study. In E. J. Anthony & B. Cohler (Eds.), The invulnerable child. New York: Guilford Press.

Figley, C. (1989). Helping traumatized families. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Garbarino, J. (1992). Children and families in the social environment. New York: Aldine deGruyter.

Garmezy, N. (1987). Stress, competence, and development: Continuities in the study of schizophrenic adults, children vulnerable to psychopathology, and the search for stress-resistant children. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 57, 159-174.

Hadley, T., Jacob, T., Miliones, J., Caplan, J., & Spitz, D. (1974). The relationship between family developmental crises and the appearance of symptoms in a family member. Family Process, 13, 207-214.

Higgins, G. O. (1994). Resilient adults: Overcoming a cruel past. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Karpel, M. (1986). Family resources: The hidden partner in family therapy. New York: Guilford Press.

Kaufman, J., & Zigler, E. (1987). Do abused children become abusive parents? American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 57, 186-192.

Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: An approach based on Bowen theory. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Klohnen, E. C., Vandewater, E. A., & Young, A. (1996). Negotiating the middle years: Ego-resiliency and successful midlife adjustment in women. Psychology and Aging, 11, 431-442.

Kobasa, S. (1985). Stressful life events, personality, and health: An inquiry into hardiness. In A. Monat & R. Lazarus (Eds.), Stress and coping (2nd ed.). New York: Columbia University Press.

Lawson, A., & Lawson, G. (1998). Alcoholism and the family: A guide to treatment and prevention (2nd ed.). Gaithersburg, Maryland: Aspen Publishers.

Masten, A. S., Best, K. M., & Garmezy, N. (1990). Resilience and development: Contributions from the study of children who overcome adversity. Development and Psychopathology, 2, 425-444.

McCubbin, H., McCubbin, M., McCubbin, A., & Futrell, J. (Eds.). (1995). Resiliency in ethnic minority families: Vol. 1. Native and immigrant families. Madison: Center for Excellence in Family Studies, University of Wisconsin.

Minuchin, S. (1992). Family healing: Strategies for hope and understanding. New York: Macmillan.

Moos, R., & Moos, B. S. (1976). A typology of family social environments. Family Process, 15, 357-371.

Neugarten, B. (1976). Adaptation and the life cycle. The Counseling Psychologist, 6, 16-20. Olson, D. H., Russell, C. S., & Sprenkle, D. H. (Eds.). (1989). Circumplex model of marital and family systems. In F. Walsh (Ed.), Normal family processes (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

Patterson, G. (1983). Stress: A change agent for family process. In N. Garmezy & M. Rutter (Eds.), Stress, coping, and development in children. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Reiss, D. (1981). The family's construction of reality. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Rose, J. M. (1997). Footprints on the soul: Journeys from trauma to resilience (Doctoral Dissertation, The Fielding Institute, 1997). Dissertation Abstracts International, 57, 7227.

Rutter, M. (1985). Resilience in the face of adversity: Protective factors and resistance to psychiatric disorder. British Journal of Psychiatry, 147, 598-611.

Rutter, M. (1987). Psychosocial resilience and protective mechanisms. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 57, 316-331.

Sameroff, A. J., Bartko, W. T., Baldwin, A., Baldwin, C., & Seifer, R. (1998). Family and social influences on the development of child competence. In M. Lewis & C. Feiring (Eds.), Families, risk, and competence (pp. 161-185). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

Seligman, M. (1990). Learned optimism. New York: Random House.

Stinnett, N., & DeFrain, J. (1985). Secrets of strong families. Boston: Little, Brown.

Stinnett, N., Knorr, B., DeFrain, J., & Rowe, G. (1981). How strong families cope with crises. Family Perspective, 15, 159-166.

Stinnett, N., Sander, G., DeFrain, J., & Parhhurst, A. (1982). A nationwide perspective of families who perceive themselves as strong. Family Perspective, 16, 15-22.

Vaillant, G. (1995). Adaptation to life. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Vaillant, G. E. (2002). Aging well. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

Walsh, F. (1998). Strengthening family resilience. New York: The Guilford Press.

Werner, E. E. (1995). Resilience in development. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 4, 81-85.

Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (1982). Vulnerable, but invincible: A study of resilient children. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Werner, E. E., & Smith, R. S. (1992). Overcoming the odds: High risk children from birth to adulthood. Ithica, NY: Cornell University Press.

Wolin, S. J., & Wolin, S. (1993). The resilient self: How survivors of troubled families rise above adversity. New York: Villard.

Pitfalls in Building Relationships, Commitment and Love - Starting With O

We continue this series suggesting how to avoid many pitfalls in building interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Committed, loving relationships do not just happen. You may know that there is no success secret, no checklist of things to do, and just as important things not to do to make such relationships happen. But we do have many suggestions that focus on potential problems. We center on obnoxious, obsequious, and obstructionist.

O is for obnoxious. Don't be obnoxious. Ob means towards. And noxious means poisonous. So an obnoxious person is leaning towards the poisonous. Or perhaps asking to be poisoned. Get me straight. I am not advocating poisoning or otherwise dispatching obnoxious people. I'm not saying get them off the planet, I'm saying (along with almost everyone else, including plenty of people who qualify as obnoxious), get them out of my life. Is there a cure for obnoxiousness? There might be if only such people would realize that they are obnoxious. I remember one highly obnoxious woman who was our real estate agent when we were looking for our first house. After a couple of days I decided that under no circumstances would this individual ever get a penny commission from my pocket. Shortly after we bought a house I ceased seeing her name in the real-estate section of our local newspaper. Naively I figured that her obnoxiousness did her in career wise. Was this ever a case of wishful thinking. She moved to the big city and specialized in very expensive homes. I can only assume she traded in her obnoxiousness for being obsequious, our next word.

O is for obsequious. Fawns are for the woods. Don't kneel to anybody. And don't lick boots. You might get a licking, and end up getting the boot. I have worked as a sommelier (wine steward). While it is a service job, sommeliers are hardly known for being obsequious. Other, not always flattering, terms come to mind. Aren't we all happy that the days of obsequious servants are over? At least most of us. Now if I could just get someone to scratch my back.

O is for obstructionist. Don't be the one who gets in the way just for the pleasure of getting in the way. I don't like doing things by consensus. A nay-sayer shouldn't have the right to stop the music. And such people shouldn't be put in the unfortunate position of having to vote yes to avoid obstructions. The best policy is for them to speak their mind and then everybody votes. Majority wins. Sounds good to me. Maybe we should try it sometime.

Are you tired of all this negativity? Take a look at our companion series that accentuates the positive.

Changing Cultural Boundaries - Indian Outside India

I often find people debating on whether one should plan their career in India or abroad? Which is a more lucrative option? Well, to me it's a subjective concern. There is no correlation between the two. At some of point in the past, it was a different story where the development in India was an absolute miss, but now with globalization, India is no longer in the same shoes. It is still much behind the other developed countries, no doubt on that, but it is no longer an underdeveloped country without any growth and progress.

The charm and charisma of Non Resident Indians was so much influential some time back that people back in India almost made them a Gods. Parents used to go hunting for them to get their daughters married to them. In short they were the most adored group of people, who were earning filthy money, had style and attitude, were intelligent, had awesome looks and to top it all, most of them were bachelors. These most eligible bachelors came back to India to get the best bargain and take along the finest brides.

The craze to settle abroad has not lost its' charm over decades. Still people are no less awestruck with the idea of going abroad or even better, settling there for the rest of their lives. They have all the reasons to debate in favor of settling in a foreign country without even visiting it once, amazing isn't it? I mean one doesn't even purchase a pair of jeans without trying it once, and here we have a breed of people who argue to settle there for the rest of their lives purely out of fiction. I'm sure apart from this crazy decision they never make any other decision based on hallucination. Anyways, that's a different set of people, as I already said who have their own ideologies.

Today over 30 million people are Non Resident Indians or PIOs (People of Indian Origin) across the globe who have left their motherland for their own good reasons. There are few common categories of people in which this bunch of people can be divided. Firstly we have people who go abroad feeling thrilled with the decision, but after their honeymoon with the foreign land is over, they start to sulk over the decision. Every now and then they miss India, and continue to count the positive things of their motherland. They leave no occasion on which they can go back to India for a visit.Next we have a set of people who are just dying to go abroad for one or the other reason. And the moment they land in the alien country, without wasting a moment they start to worship the land. They take the Indian-ness attached to them as a curse, and starting with the foreign slang to dressing and eating, everything changes in a jiffy. But no amount of changes makes them the natives of the place and all their lives they are treated as second citizens, who have to prove their loyalties every now and them.
Lastly there is the most practical lot of people, who go abroad to earn money, enjoy their stay in that country and come back. They never try to switch identities, change their habits, or criticize their motherland. They enjoy the new set of people, learn from them, gain experience and move on. They equally enjoy a visit to the Disney Land and a good Hindi movie in a cinema hall.
My personal vote goes for the last bunch of people who are reasonably ambitious and seem to have a head over their shoulders which allows them to think and take decisions. But it is really sad that the percentage of such people is comparatively low.

The people, who stay on for unpredictable tenures, are generally observed to bring in a change in their lifestyles. In order to catch up with the rest of the world around, they try to introduce weird changes in their lifestyle. Some go ahead to even changing names, while others start celebrating Christmas, Halloween and 4th of July with greater enthusiasm than a normal native. The essential family values go for a toss. They start respecting Mohd.Rafi and enjoying Madonna. Speaking in their mother tongue becomes undignified for them, and English becomes their obvious dialect. This to the extent that they start communicating in English with those who understand the language and also with others who are not language sensitive, like their dogs and cats or any other pet. Enjoyment options change from watching a good Hindi movie to online gambling. Anything which allows them a small place in the foreign land motivates them to repeat the act again in the future, even if it is against their individual liking

There are generally three reasons which attract the Indians to become NRIs'. It can be either in Quest of Wealth, or the attraction of Power and Influence of Western Media or Complex of the Western Lifestyle. Usually the first and last reasons are predominant.
Earning big money apparently looks very easy to such Indians. They quickly convert currency and calculate it in terms of rupee, to achieve satisfaction. But, the reality is very different, and earning good money is actually a big deal. There is huge population of Indians who in order to earn have taken up jobs of taxi-drivers, newspaper sellers or waiters.
The Western complex is also a misguiding factor. Such Indians have preconceived notions in their minds that they are not up to the mark and probably staying abroad would give a jump to their existing standards. They are not able to break this myth all their lives and resort to options which would take them abroad.

Embracing a new culture is not a crime but, going overboard becomes something to be mocked upon. The new culture looks so alluring to these Indians that they become a product of cross culture, who is neither an Indian nor a foreigner. Identity crisis becomes an ongoing affair. Although with time everything becomes evident, but still there is no need to take this unnecessary strain and jeopardize ones' life for becoming a Non Resident Indian.

3 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Happiness should be a part of relationship. Yet, this may not always be the case. There will be times you feel down you may fight with your girlfriend or your boyfriend. Even married couples discover that their partners are not the best of the species on this planet. That however, should not discourage you from being engaged in a relationship with someone. There will be times that your love for each other will be tested. In worst cases, you might even experience a breakup.

Even before the outset of a breakup, you should try to look for the three signs of a healthy relationship. These signs will let you know if your relationship is still fine.

The first sign of a healthy relationship is that you are passionate for each other. This means that you are still in love with each other as deeply as when you first met. Being passionate with each other also means that you are enjoying each other's company. This does not necessarily mean that hardly a day passes by without you seeing each other. There may be times that you will be far from each other. True passion, however, is measured by your faithfulness, loyalty and commitment.

Secondly, fighting does not necessarily mean bad if it can settle issues instead of making your partner feeling worse. However some couples may boast that they never fight. You should raise your eyebrows with such pronouncement and ask such couples if they truly know each other and if they are talking with each other. Chances are their answer would be a resounding no.

Don't worry much if you have differences like most couples. This means that you are transparent and honest with each other. You disclose enough of yourself to generate friction and conflict. If you ever decide to get married, you will need your skills at smoothing out your conflicts and your fights for as long as you stay married.

Lastly, there is no "perfect" relationship. Your relationship is healthy if you know how to sort out your differences and settle your conflicts. But if all you ever do is fight, then something is terribly wrong and breakup is imminent like rain about to fall from an overcast sky.

With these three signs of a healthy relationship, you can gauge your relationship and learn how to prevent breakups and show sincerity between each other.

Understanding the People in Your Life - Finding Hidden Gold

Recently I was at a Women's Business Association meeting where flip chart sheets were posted on the walls, and everyone was requested to write their comments on each topic on the appropriate sheet.

What a field day for me! As a Handwriting Analyst this was like Christmas come early! Forty or so women, some whom I know well, some I hardly know, and everything in between, all putting samples of their handwriting up there on the walls for me to see.

And I was not disappointed.

One person, whom I had long ago decided I had little in common with, wrote just as I had expected, in rigidly controlled writing (showing a personality that is likewise), with heavy, down-slanted t-bars - showing the propensity to take over and run everything. I am encouraged that my intuition was right and this is someone I will probably not enjoy being around.

Another, who is in a professional position, surprised me greatly, as her writing showed her to be very immature, to the point of having extremely childish writing; extremely large showing an inability to concentrate for any period of time, and a very changeable slant and wavering baseline giving indications of emotional instability. I found my self wondering how this individual had gained the qualifications necessary for her position, and even more so, how she can possibly function in the role she claims to have. This is one for further investigation, not in any way to embarrass her - just for my own interest.

Many people just appeared in writing the way they appear in person and gave me no surprises, and some of my closer friends' writing I have seen so many times before, I paid no attention to.

But the one that I found most interesting and surprising was the writing of a woman who is "all business." She is in the financial industry, and comes across businesslike to the extent of being very cold and unfriendly.

I couldn't believe it when I saw her signature at the end of writing that shows artistic creativity to an outstanding degree, plus strong intuition. Admittedly the writing was almost vertical (showing lack of emotional expression) but the gaps between letters were constant intuition), plus imagination (upper and lower loops), along with flat topped, rounded "m" and "n" creative thinking), heavy writing (showing depth and color appreciation) and the entire writing sample just had the artistic look that comes with unique strokes and letter combinations that are quite unlike anything she would ever have been taught.

When I found myself next to this person during the evening, I mentioned that I found her writing very interesting as it was full of artistic creative strokes, whereupon she smiled and confided in me that she has indeed taken art courses, and has a variety of artistic pursuits. I mentioned the intuition and she said that she can always tell what a person is like as soon as she meets them, and trusts this instinct.

As she spoke, she was becoming enthusiastic, and much more open than I have ever seen her. It was as though this had given her the permission she needed to drop the business image and let me see the real person inside. And the person inside is definitely someone with whom I have interest in pursuing a friendship ... which is something I would never, ever have guessed from meeting her for the past year at business functions.

I have found so many uses for handwriting analysis in the years I have been doing it, and finding out about the people in my life has always been one of them, but this was a special treat - I found gold where I didn't expect to find it.

I learnt a lesson - or rather re-learnt a lesson it's all too easy to forget: that of not judging a "book by its cover." People are not always what they seem - especially in a business environment where we often play the role we consider we "should" be modeling, while deep inside beats the heart of, say, a wonderfully intuitive, creative artistic being waiting to be discovered.

Who Sees When You're Unaware? And Who Cares?

Walking along I was one day and I noticed someone I knew a distance off, perhaps one hundred metres away. He was just walking back to work from a break; there was nothing sinister in what he was doing. It was interesting in that I was suddenly aware that I could see everything he was doing, yet he was completely unaware of my presence and observation. I reflected momentarily on this sudden awareness within me. I thought "wow," I'm in this position as someone also observed, without my knowledge; without my consent. That's a bit of a frightening prospect. We take both positions of power as the observer or relinquish the power as observee -- and all this takes place simultaneously, through each day, when we're around people, and even at times when we think we're alone; we watch and are watched.

How often are we "seen" yet we're completely unaware of it. Fortunately, most of us are not famous or anything other than ordinary; we blend in quite well with our environment, particularly when our behaviour is not too 'out there.' We can now, in a moment, sympathise with the Bill Clinton's' and the Pope Benedict's' and the Michael Phelps', for they live such a public life; we're blessed to know a genuine private world at least a thousand times less public than these three.

There are many times I know when I am least at my best and I'm completely unaware of the fact that someone always watches -- if not human, certainly the Divine. Imagine seeing with multiples sets of eyes... imagine that perspective! Like me, you too have weak moments. When we collectively have horrendous moments, there is one who sees.

God's like this -- he sees everything we do, and don't do. God is Spirit -- he is within us and within all. The Scriptures are littered with hints and clues regarding this. For instance, Qoheleth, the teacher and writer of the ancient book of Ecclesiastes puts it like this, right at the end of his excursus: "For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil."[1] The Apostle Paul concurs, for he said to the Corinthians in his first letter -- in downplaying their judgment of him as unimportant, "It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive commendation from God."[2]

Imagine that God, who sees everything including all the disgusting, revolting, filthy stuff that we know about ourselves and yet, still accepts us! We stand innocent before him when in fact we know we're guilty. When God sees everything, including all the bad stuff, yet amazingly loves us still more than we could ever know, why would we feel perturbed about other mere mortals thinking down on us?

Yet judgment comes and it affects us. We know that we'll be watched, as we also watch. We know that people might judge lightly what we do, or they might condemn; as we also might judge lightly or condemn. We will be judged and we will judge. That comes with the territory of life and the human faculty of thinking, knowledge, emotion, and conscience. But, isn't it such a relief to know this Love that subsumes and totally accounts for worldly judgment; both theirs and ours. We're made right though we're wrong.

This surely helps us feel more comfortable in our own skin. Mortal judgment, whilst of some import, is not the be-all and end-all. It is the Judge who will bring to light the hidden things of darkness so that we will be fairly and justly and equitably and rightly judged -- at the end of all. This should make us somewhat comfortable, yet it also keeps us vigilant and this fact alone continues to motivate us toward good thoughts, words, and deeds. Now that's balance that truly brings spiritual life, and correct perception, to the soul whom hungers and thirsts for righteousness and truth.

Is it really that important what people see or don't see? The answer of course is, 'yes' and 'no'. Therein lays a classic spiritual paradox that starts a whole fresh discussion.

Copyright © 2008, S.J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

ENDNOTES:
[1] Ecclesiastes 12:14 (NRSV).
[2] 1 Corinthians 4:4b-5 (NRSV).

Why do Bonds Grow Bitter?

"People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges". --First time when I read this adage all that stuck my mind was RELATIONSHIPS.

The fundamental format and elementary essential of this humanity is RELATIONSHIP. Bond, closeness, intimacy, attachment, care, fondness, affection are intense adjectives for a relationship. Mother, father, friend, son, daughter, spouse, sister, brother, colleague, teacher, student, disciple, neighbor, aunt, uncle, mentor ........ we live defining so many relations around us.

"You reap as you sow, you are what you think" - Neither can you experience the other person physically nor think like the other person mentally. All others in your mind are just the thoughts that you sow yourself. You implant thoughts against them, impression grows. You nurture that impression relationship develops. You care and cherish that relationship, it becomes a matured bonding.

Your experience for them is only in your mind. Your feelings for them is your thoughts. Your emotion towards them is your notion. But still, amazingly people gel around so intensely that studying their social intelligence becomes a passion. But equally true is also the other face of it where relationships grow numb & sour, deteriorates and diminishes completely to be a lifeless facet one day. There are ample aspects of a relationship that makes or breaks it. If we can take care from breaking, then the bond is naturally made. Lets look at the most evident ones:

1) Respect: Respect in any relationship is just like 'Give and take policy', we seldom expect ourselves to give it before we demand it in return. Self- respect guides our morals and respect for others guides our manners.

2) Communication: Communication is the first reflection of a personality. Our views, principles, virtues & values, concepts & convictions, intelligence & flexibility all gets disclosed involuntarily. Balancing all this on the other side is our ATTITUDE. As pen is mightier than sword, equally is the tongue sharper than a blade.

Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can similarly sting
But silence breaks the heart.

Beware of your language and dialects as it can make a relationship pleasant else can turn to be toxic.

3) Misunderstanding: I wonder we don't have time to understand others, and there are people around to misunderstand with misinterpretations and building assumptions upon presumptions. The major mistake that overshoots is 'judging'. We either over-estimate or under-estimate and we ourselves come to conclusions judging others. That judgment is just the final, and we don't even realize a room that judgments can also be fatal. And there sprouts the seed of misunderstanding in relationships.

4) Ego & Perception: Ego is the deeply felt sense of being separate and superior. The very essence of ego not only separates you from others, it burns the place of its own stay. Perception is just an insight that grows adding your attitude and ego.

There are people you enter into a room and say "There you are" and some say "Here I am". It's all about the interim gap we give in a relationship to grow.

5) Confidential matters: Confidential & Intimacy are the two faces of the same coin. You share your personal feelings, concealed secrets, unveiled emotions only with people whom you feel intimate with. That intimacy comes with masked face of trust in a relationship. If this hidden reserve gets into air, the relationship shatters.

6) Possessiveness: Relationships of all kinds are like water held in your hand. Just hold it with an open hand, water remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, it trickles through your fingers. You may hold on some drops, but most will be spilled. A relationship is just like that. Embrace it freely, with respect and freedom for the other person it is likely to remain intact. But grasp it with rigidity, too possessively the relationship slips away and is lost.

7) Materialistic and Self-centered: Majority of the relationships dawns looking the advantages in it. The prospects seem to be promising. The matter starts with "What is my gain in this investment!", explodes too shortly resulting in disintegration.

8) Domination: The main pollutants of an affiliation are intimidation followed by domination pursuing a manipulation. Just replace with speck of affection & co-operation and all sets itself to be right ensuing in an unconditional flow of warmth and care.

9) High Expectations: Expectations improperly indulged would end in disappointment. The level of expectation is either high or low fosters an individual definition. Disappointment often leads to discontent and regret. If this setback inadvertently grows in a relationship there is no edge left where you cannot see cracks and clinks.

10) No bestows: Many relationships deteriorate when there is no bestowing approach. Your time& energy nourishes a relationship to be long lasting once when it is established. Nurture it with concern and attention and it appeals the other person. No time, impassive behavior, being snobbish mirrors the relation very soon. It diminishes silently with no notice.

The only thing that exists with you and dies with you is your RELATIONSHIP with life and lives around you. Your acquaintance with others speaks volumes of memories and reminiscences of your existence. That existence becomes eternal only when you would have taken enough care of it.

Building Relationships, Commitment and Love - Starting With N

We continue our series on how to build interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Commitment and love are important to all of us; they are worth fighting for; they are worth working for. You also should know that in spite of many promises there is no secret for success, no checklist of things to do, and just as importantly no checklist of things not to do. But we do have suggestions, now continuing with the letter N. The focus is on navigate, neat, and need.

N is for navigate. Know the waters at home, at work, or with friends and relations. It's never easy to avoid the rocks and rapids of life. Everything may look like smooth sailing and then suddenly you have to steer as fast as possible to avoid a completely unexpected obstacle. It's too bad that they don't teaching elementary sailing, the life variety, starting in the lower grades. Actually they do, but it's not on the official curriculum. Every time that you deal with a playground dispute: "It's my turn, it's my jump rope, they are my marbles and if you don't play by my rules I'm going home" you are learning to navigate. Keep it up; this is a life-long process. And if you don't believe me take a look in any senior citizen's residence. They are still navigating.

N is for neat. I hate looking for stuff on my desk, under my desk, or around my desk. It's worth your time and effort to neatify your surroundings. When people see how well-organized you are they will think that you know what you're doing. Even if nothing is further from the truth. And a neat appearance can camouflage an ugly, messy personality. My guess is the neatest guy or gal in the police lineup is unlikely to be fingered as the ax-murderer. Is that neat?

N is for need. "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world." I never said that; the line is from People, Barbra's Streisand's 1964 signature song that helped put her on the cover of Time Magazine at the tender age of 22. So need must be a good thing. In fact to be a full person you need to need. But don't look needy. And the surest way not to find a friend is to broadcast your need for one. If you need people in your heart you will behave differently than if you just need to be in a relationship, any relationship. Can you knead yourself into needing people? You certainly can try.

How to Get Your Ex Back - Get Your Ex to Call You Back

If you have recently been dumped, then you are going through a very rough time emotionally right now. The first thing you want to do after a break up, is seek contact with your ex. However, how can you do this without creating conflict? At this moment all your feelings are going insane. Adding to that you feel uncomfortable showing your weak side to your ex. But don't worry, there's still hope, you can definitely still get in contact with your ex and avoid the embarrassment.

So how should you proceed? Firstly remember the situation you are in currently. The simplest and easiest way, is to leave your ex a message. With not speaking to them on the phone, or speaking to them face to face, you have time to think about what you are going to say, and how you should proceed. Ad-libbing yourself through a conversation with your ex will reduce your chances close to zero.

Now that we have agreed that it is best to leave a message, we have to think about what to say in the message. You want the message to be interesting enough for them to give you a call back. The main tactic is to try to be curious and vague. Do not overdo the vagueness or it can backfire and infuriate them. The curiosity is in order to get them interesting. Getting them interested will make them wonder what you have to say.

Ok now you know the basics I will give you an example of what to say. Try saying something like " I was wondering if it was possible for you to call me back? I would like to talk to you about something." Do you see it in this message? You speak your ex's curiosity and you have been able to express your feelings without making it look that way. Try to remember, all you're looking for with this message is for them to call you back. So no need to leave a long monologue with all your feelings exposed.

After this message, all you need to do is wait, it might take a while, but your ex will call you back. Getting a call back is not the end of it, remember it is just the beginning, now you will need to get serious about what you are going to do next.

Building Relationships, Commitment and Love - Continuing With M

We continue our series on how to build interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Commitment and love are important to all of us; they are worth fighting for; they are worth working for. You also should know that in spite of many promises there is no secret for success, no checklist of things to do, and just as importantly no checklist of things not to do. But we do have suggestions, now continuing with the letter M. We actually have a double series of articles for the letter M. The focus here is on memory, mingle, and modest.

M is for memory. Maybe the easiest way to get into hot water with those special people in your life is to forget their special days such as birthdays. The situation worsens if the special day belongs to the two of you; I am talking about a wedding anniversary. Don't forget. Memory also means remembering special moments that don't fall into neat categories such as birthdays. One of the last times I saw a favorite uncle I reminded him of something that he told me on our first meeting several decades previously. Boy was he pleased to hear those words. Boy was I pleased then and now to recall this special moment. Memory is one of the greatest possessions that we have. Cherish the memories of those important to you. They will remember you for it.

M is for mingle. Don't just stand off to the side; mingle. You will never know what you have in common with that redhead across the room if you don't give it a try. I think there are bonus points for being the mingler instead of the minglee. Unless you're in China where Ming Lees abound. Don't wait; get out there and mingle. But don't mangle.

M is for modest. I happen not to care for braggarts. I find it tiring to listen to their huffing and puffing. I would rather listen to the train come into the station. Modesty can be a pleasant characteristic. Give other people credit for their part in a group effort. If you didn't do it alone, why pretend? Will you fool people? Undoubtedly. Will you fool the ones who count? Probably not. As long as you're at it dress modestly. People will still be able to see how attractive you are. Immodest dressing has become a major problem, especially among young women and girls. Free business idea and I mean this seriously. My modest proposal is to produce and sell modest, attractive clothing for young girls and women. I am sure there is a lot such clothing on the market and am also sure there's room for much, much more. This is one way to fight for modesty.

How to Know If a Girl is Testing You- This is One Thing You Should Never Miss If You Are a Guy

Girls have a habit of testing men even when you don't realize it. You see it will never seem obvious to you that she is trying to test you but the fact is that she will form judgments based on the test and you wouldn't even realize it. This is the major reason why you must know this as it's always better to know it before it's too late. Read on to discover how to know if she is trying to test you and achieve the desired results fast........

She will ask you a lot of questions- She might try to shoot you with a lot of questions the thing is that most guys in the quest to come across as nice keep answering her questions. You see if she asks you something it's not necessary that you have to answer her directly. Always make sure that you give her indirect answers and try to somewhat confuse her.

She will challenge you- She might ask you to do things or might suggest you to do things which you shouldn't be doing. And if you do so you have failed the test. You see you should always stick to your own decisions and not follow her all the time.

She wants to know what your attitude is like- Now this is the big test most women use to find out how strong the guy is on an emotional level and how secure he is being himself. Women are attracted to guys who have a leader like attitude and do what they want to do as and when they please. Therefore try to maintain a strong level of attitude around her and don't fall into any of her traps.

Pitfalls in Building Relationships, Commitment and Love - Starting With L

We continue this series suggesting how to avoid many pitfalls in building interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Committed, loving relationships do not just happen. You may know that there is no success secret, no checklist of things to do, and just as important things not to do to make such relationships happen. But we do have many suggestions that focus on potential problems. We center on liar, listless, and loud-mouthed.

L is for liar. I hate liars. I am not going to tell you that I never lie, but I do hate liars (without hating myself.) Do they really think that we are that dumb to believe them? And when you lie, you have to work really hard to keep all your non-facts straight. Why work that hard to try to please someone who you don't care for anyway? Not lying does not necessarily mean telling all and sundry all the hidden truths on a given subject. Blabbermouthery can get you in as much trouble as lying.

L is for listless. Listless is just another form of lying. Lying around waiting for the clock to strike 5:00 so you can go home or 10:30 (9:30) waiting to brush your teeth and go to sleep. Don't be listless; make a list. Make a list of what you should be doing. You are allowed to break up this list into several categories including the what to do when you're too tired to do anything the least bit difficult category. Like for 4:45 or 10:15. Items on this list still need to be taken care of but shouldn't monopolize your bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed time, assuming that you have any. There are two benefits to this policy, if you proceed from the list to the actual activity. One: you get something done. Two: you are pleased with yourself because you actually get something done when you thought that you were too listless.

L is for loud-mouthed. If those surrounding you aren't hard of hearing there is no reason to be a loud mouth. And if they are hard of hearing it may be due to all the loud mouths in the surroundings. I recently cut back on my volume in the classroom; some students complained that I was too loud. Say what you have to say forcefully, but forcefully doesn't mean blasting anyone's eardrums. Of course with today's generation used to placing a high-volume Ipod or some such thing right on top of their ear for hours at a time, don't be surprised that you have to raise the volume just to be heard. One more thing: loud mouthed refers to a manner of speaking, as well as the volume itself. No contradiction, avoid both abuses.

Are you tired of all this negativity? Take a look at our companion series that accentuates the positive.

A Healthy Relationship - What it Takes

Relationships. Ah, yes. They are drenched in both the good, the bad, the ugly, and everywhere in between. Anyone can attest to that. Many can also agree that relationships are undeniably complex, require the utmost dedication and can either make, or literally break, the individuals involved. Especially if an air of likeness is not present for both to share, a falling through is most likely bound to happen. How is it you can stop this? Well, not being able to control a relationship entirely -no matter how wishful or ideal we may think- there is really only a way to prolong and keep a relationship active, to keep it healthy. But, know that the way to maintain a relationship and label it as "healthy" is truly no easy task. And this is only natural to expect as things worth loving and fighting for are never obtained and cared for without some sort of struggle, whether such relationship strife be intermittent or perpetual.

What Does It Take?

It takes a mutual understanding of each others' inner workings, thoughts and desires to keep a relationship going, to maintain that gained interconnected ebb and flow. Yet, it also takes action and a bit of work to satisfy these inner wants within each other. For acknowledging how your partner works, thinks and craves is hardly enough; it is recognizing what makes them happy and then going out of your way to do and provide items, gestures, emotions and expressions that keep them that way, even elevated further.

The Relationship Tie & Why We All Wear It

Around all of our necks in the relationship tie. We wear it, whether proud, disgusted or just flat out indifferent. But, regardless, we wear it. I stress the significance in the word "wear" here.

"Why do we wear it," you ask? Because we choose to, and need to. Think of it from the view of cohabitation, from the human perspective of social requirement and want for communication, particularly with a mate. Now, consider not wearing that relationship tie. Without it who are we - ourselves, alone, incomplete? Yes, yes and yes - somewhat. Now, this is not to say that without a relationship or that significant other that individuals less than themselves, are completely alone or only half in existence. Yet, it is implying that we are without someone else to love and confide in through a relationship perspective.

Filling In Gaps, Building Relationship Bridges

Relationships are vital to harnessing stable and fulfilling human existences. Relationships are popular, no doubt, but, not by demand - they are popular simply by necessity. We either have relationships now, had them in the past or currently want them because we're missing that connection with another. And in either span of time in which we're in the middle of a relationship it is because we need to have them. If not for support, reassurance and learning potential among a slew of other beneficial reasons, relationships are also just helpful in every aspect. Most notably, they assist us an individuals to not only discover who we are but also who we are drawn and pulled toward.

A Tear Drops

She finds herself at a McDonald's late one night, sipping black coffee from a plastic cup. The place is empty, except for a small night crew, half asleep. She finishes her coffee and looks around, and realizes that no longer is there anywhere to go.

She waves to a worker cleaning the floor, but he doesn't see her; she is old now and people just don't notice her any longer. She quietly slips out of the restaurant into a cold night, turning up her collar and putting her hands in her pockets. And as she walks down the street, a sweet memory of what was suddenly appears somewhere in a little backwater of her mind... and a tear drops.

It rolls down her cheek and drops to the ground, falling to the earth; making its way back to its source. She is too involved in her memories to watch the tear, but it knows where to go, it knows what to do.

It has been waiting a long while for her to release it, and now is its time. And as it flows into that great ocean of tears that humanity has shed, becoming lost in the vastness, the endless stream of sorrows that we have made for ourselves, she feels a tremendous emptiness, and it is as if this tear is much more than a tiny drop of water; this tear is a part of her that she is losing, and will never know again.

And as her little tears patiently wait in humanity's ocean of sorrows before again catching the ring of that great merry go round we call life, they prepare themselves for the inevitable, that time when someone sees the truth, which is too much to bear... without a tear.

Her tears release her, for a moment, from that horrible truth, so that she can again become lost in her dream world of life, in the fantasy of her existence. But this time, she can't quite seem to pull that off.

She walks along the pavement, the excitement of life and life's anticipations now all but gone, because she has seen it all before, and now she is lost, not knowing where to go, what to do. All the promises that life made to her have somehow been broken, her little girl dreams shattered, and her heart hopelessly broken in the process. Now all she carries in her chest is an empty shell of a few memories.

How could she ever know what really happened to a life that began so full of hope? How could she? She trusted life, but everything changed, so much, so unexpectedly, almost as if she was lost in a dream that she didn't want to wake up from, and then she couldn't wake up, and she never woke up. She remained in her dreams because she had nowhere else to go. She would gratefully never know how life could be so cruel, because she still trusted it unconditionally, and would never accept that life could end like this, because her heart remained open, even now, but there was nothing left to her heart; it was gone.

They found her in her car, parked not far from the restaurant. An empty bottle of pills on the floor, a few possessions, a picture of a family, a tear stained note saying that she was sorry, but not saying why. The tears had already evaporated, their essence forming a small cloud in the heavens that would eventually fall into that vast ocean of sorrow we call life.

But we never lose our tears; they always belong to all of us. They never die. They will always be there, waiting for that moment when we can't do it anymore.

And then, they will help us surrender.

Pitfalls in Building Relationships, Commitment and Love - Starting With K

We continue this series suggesting how to avoid many pitfalls in building interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Committed, loving relationships do not just happen. You may know that there is no success secret, no checklist of things to do, and just as important things not to do to make such relationships happen. But we do have many suggestions that focus on potential problems. We center on king, kneel, and knuckle under.

K is for king. Don't think of yourself as a king. You aren't royalty. Even if you were a royal frankly that's not much to brag about with a few exceptions. As a digression, one of my favorite royals was the Queen Mum. I liked her because she stayed in London during the blitz of World War II. Where was the King? This paragraph is not about actual kings, but about people who take themselves for kings. These blokes are going to have a hard time to sell themselves in today's world. For the sake of the argument, let's say that you have a royal delusion. What happens if you run into someone else who also sees himself as a king? Are you ready to duke it out? Would you put on some armor and joust, perhaps for the hand of fair lady?

K is for kneel. Stand up straight. You don't need to kneel to anybody, and that includes the would-be kings and queens of the previous paragraph. Kow-towing doesn't make much more sense than bow-wowing. Unfortunately many workplaces still believe in yes-men and yes-women. If you can't present your point of view without risking a serious setback or even losing your job say yes but don't kneel. And see if you can't transfer to a job where you don't have to kneel standing up.

K is for knuckle under. Knuckling under is another way to say kneeling. Almost. To me knuckling under implies that you put up a fight and then collapsed. People do that, as explained in the previous paragraph. Of course, the boss may have been right. Stranger things have happened. You certainly don't want to put yourself in the position of changing jobs, or even considering changing jobs every time that one of your ideas is rejected. Many such people would end up with a very long but shallow resume. Is that what you really want? When you think about it, leaving a good job when someone tells you no is another way of knuckling under, knuckling under to your immaturity.

Are you tired of all this negativity? Take a look at our companion series that accentuates the positive.

How to Control Your Emotions Around Women - This is One Thing Every Man Must Know

Our emotions are something which can drain us down or lead to the ultimate peace of mind in life. When it comes to the case of dating and women you should be able to control your emotions at all costs otherwise it will affect all other areas of your life. There are some extremely effective underground ways which will easily help you control your emotions around women. Read on to discover what these emotions are and achieve mind blowing results fast........

Start loving yourself- Obsessive emotions normally arise when you don't love yourself enough that you have to seek love from others. And at the same time you seek it so much and so hard that when you don't get it from others you start getting depressed over it. This means that you are not in a good relationship with yourself.

She isn't the only one out there- Another thing you must remember is that she is not the only girl out there. There are more than enough fish in the pond and you are giving this one too much importance. Always remember that the person who has a strong emotional control and balance is always in control of the relationship as well.

Let your insecure feelings go- Lack of emotional control around women is all about insecurity. When you are unsure about whether she will consider you or not and if you are in a relationship whether she will stay or not you will always be on an emotional roller coaster. The moment you let go your insecure feelings you will feel a strong inner sense of peace and you would be able to control yourself no matter what the situation might be.

Pitfalls in Building Relationships, Commitment and Love - Starting With J

We continue this series suggesting how to avoid many pitfalls in building interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Committed, loving relationships do not just happen. You may know that there is no success secret, no checklist of things to do, and just as important things not to do to make such relationships happen. But we do have many suggestions that focus on potential problems. We center on jaded, jargon, and jealous.

J is for jaded. Don't act like you have seen everything and are impressed by nothing. Jaded may make the most sense for youth on the cusp of teenhood. No, they haven't seen everything. Some would say that they haven't seen anything yet. Unless you are going to count the countless murders, betrayals, and crimes of all types that make up our standard (really substandard) television fare. Don't dull your emotions into a state of stupefaction, don't be jaded.

J is for jargon. Every field has its own vocabulary, semi-incomprehensible to the non-initiated. Jargon separates the in-crowd from the out-crowd. Don't indulge yourself. When talking with "others" make the effort to explain yourself and your subject while avoiding jargon and its bosom buddy, acronyms that no one on earth except for the chosen few have heard of. Yes, sometimes you do need to go with a technical explanation that requires precise, specialized words. However, this situation doesn't call for jargon, jargon only makes it harder for your party to understand. Once you have mastered the use of non-jargon with the out-crowd continue your new habits of jargon-free talk and writing when dealing with the in-crowd. At first they may balk, failing to understand you. But your good habits may finally rub off on your colleagues.

J is for jealous. Don't be jealous. Green may be a good color for politics (a subject that we continue to avoid here) and mint juleps, but it's a lousy color for your emotions. If someone else has something that you want go work for it. Life is more than a zero-sum game, one where if A has more B than automatically has less. The time and effort you spend stewing about how come James has more than you could be spent more productively. Have you ever heard anybody say, "Life is so unfair - Jill is smarter than me, more pleasant than me, and works harder than me, but I still have so much more than she does?"

Are you tired of all this negativity? Take a look at our companion series that accentuates the positive

3 Deadly Mistakes That Will Ruin Your Relationship For Sure - You Should Not Miss This at Any Cost

A relationship is not something which can be taken for granted, in order to really make a relationship successful constant effort from both the partners is extremely necessary. But often a lot of people make some mistakes which can lead to devastating results in the long term. This is the major reason why you must be aware of these mistakes. Read on to discover what these mistakes are and achieve the desired results fast...

Being insecure all the time- Being insecure normally means that you are not too sure whether your partner will be with you or not. You see insecure people become too possessive which leads to a lot of friction in the relationship. You see a relationship is a scenario where your partner will need some time off by himself/herself and being insecure definitely wouldn't help much in this case.

Being negative all the time- This would never work especially if your partner has a hard time dealing with this. You see we all live our lives expecting the best for ourselves and our loved one's. This simply can not take place if you have a strong negative attitude towards the relationship.

Not accepting your partner the way he/she is- This is another very strong mistake a lot of people out there make. You see the key to a successful relationship is to understand what your partner is like and accepting him/her the way he/she is instead of constantly trying to change them according to your standards.

The Top Ten Relationship Experts

Most couples will admit that it takes work to maintain a healthy relationship. During those first exciting stages of dating, everyone is wearing their best party manners. It can be hard to find fault with one another. Those minor character flaws might be perceived as endearing or quirky in the beginning. Six months later, they're called perpetually annoying habits or unbearable irritants.

When two people try to build on that initial bliss, problems can and do arise. Compromise becomes a necessity, and the glaring reality of imperfection shines like a spotlight. Relationship experts say people are rarely emotionally stagnant, even when they are one-half of the ideal pair. Combine the routine life challenges with a few unavoidable surprises and the most stable couples can sometimes find that they need help.

Where do they turn most often for relationship advice? After confiding in a trusted friend, but before seeking full-fledged professional counseling, many will head straight for the bookstore's self-help aisle. It's an amazingly successful billion-dollar industry aimed specifically at doling out advice to the lovelorn, loveless, or heartbroken.

The business now targets relationship seekers, recovering divorcees and every other imaginable aspect of the mating dance. There's a do-it-yourself book for everything relationships. Add in seminars, retreats, television and radio shows, websites and audio books and you have a full-blown empire.

To name the most effective relationship experts would be difficult and subjective; but a "Who's Who" list has emerged over the years. Each has a unique style and a different claim to fame. Their devoted audiences are as varied as their credentials and techniques. From the conventional to the unusual, here's a list of the world's most highly recognized names in the relationship advice industry:

• Dr. Ruth Westheimer
The diminutive 80-year-old psychosexual therapist, known simply as "Dr. Ruth," was one of the first people ever to bring frank discussions of human sexuality to the forefront and into the living room. Her radio show, Sexually Speaking, which started as an "after-hours" listener call-in program, first aired in 1980. This icon has since authored numerous books, hosted her own television show, launched a number of games and videos, and still operates her very popular website.

• Dr. Philip McGraw
"Dr. Phil" is sure to go down in history as a no-nonsense relationship expert and the epitome of personal branding at its best. McGraw emerged onto the national scene by making frequent guest appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show where he was an instant hit with the audience. His common sense approach to couples counseling, colorful euphemisms, and "average guy" appeal has earned the bestselling author a household name and status as the king of daytime television.

• Dr. John Gray
He first taught us that Venus and Mars were much more than planets and the mythological figures we thought they were. His relationship philosophy and advice revolve around one basic premise: that men and women are intrinsically different and the key to solving relationship issues lies in understanding and honoring those differences. According to his website, over 40 million copies of his Venus-Mars book series, printed in 45 languages, have been sold worldwide.

• John Welwood, Ph.D.
Welwood's trademark style to unraveling the mysteries of intimate relationships integrates traditional western psychology with eastern spiritual wisdom. He spent his early years as a student of philosophy, including two years at the Sorbonne in Paris studying existentialist thought. In addition to being a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, Welwood is an award-winning author of a series of relationship books. Journey of the Heart, Ordinary Magic, and Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart are among the most famous.

• David Deida
There's no doubt this New Age relationship guru has his share of controversy. His bestselling book bears a title that practically jumps off the bookshelf: The Way of the Superior Man. One reviewer raved, calling it "an astonishingly practical guidebook to living a masculine life of integrity, authenticity, and freedom." Another summed it up as "misogynistic tripe." But Deida's biggest critics point to his lack of credentials, insisting he has no formal degrees from an accredited institution. Yet fans remain loyal. Deida's spiritually based relationship seminars for men, women, and couples continue to sell out.

• Dr. John Gottman
Dr. Gottman is one of the most academically credentialed therapists on the list. As cofounder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, he and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, seek to help couples and have the institute serve as a training ground for mental health professionals. The media dubbed his laboratory at the University of Washington, the "Love Lab" because of his research in couple interactions. His scientific approach to forecasting marital success is remarkable: Gottman is able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not.

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger
"Dr. Laura" is a favorite for the most controversial psychotherapists to ever hang a shingle. Some say she epitomizes anti-feminism, yet after 30 years in radio talk show hosting, she is still immensely popular. Call-in listeners are familiar with her confrontational style of dispensing advice and her books are equally straightforward. Eleven of them have regularly made the N.Y. Time's bestseller list. The first one, Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives, debuted in 1994. The Brooklyn native earned her Post-Doctoral Certification in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling at the University of Southern California.

• Dr. Gary Smalley
He is the founder of the Today's Family organization and the Smalley Relationship Center, a multipurpose family and marriage-counseling center with a 14-point mission statement based in Christian doctrine. During the past 35 years, Smalley has authored books, conducted hundreds of marriage seminars, and reached conference audiences that now number in the millions. His famous award-winning infomercial, "Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships," has been hosted by celebrities like Dick Clark and Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford.

• Dr. Neil Clark Warren
Many know Dr. Warren as the eHarmony founder and spokesman, but before launching the dating website in 2000, he spent 35 years practicing clinical psychology. After counseling thousands of married couples, he believed that there was a better way to find a life partner without leaving it up to fate. Years of collaborative research with Dr. Galen Buckwalter led to the widely publicized Compatibility Matching System. According to a 2007 Harris Interactive Study, 236 eHarmony members marry every day in the United States after being matched on eHarmony.

• Dr. Gary Chapman
This marriage counselor, Baptist minister and radio talk show host has authored more than 20 books since 1979. Of those, The Five Love Languages is his most famous. He contends that as givers and receivers of love, we each express the emotion in a different way. Chapman identifies those five "languages" as quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Therefore, understanding a mate's love language will lead to effective communication. It's also the basis of his radio show, "A Love Language Minute," which airs on over 100 stations throughout the United States.

Shocking and Revealing News Why You Should Get a Russian Bride - Right Now!

Have you ever wanted something really bad? Let me tell you, if you begin looking at all of those pictures of Russian Brides on the internet, you will for sure want to consider marrying a Russian bride. Russian Brides use to be considered Mail order brides as years ago, most men seeking beautiful Russian Brides could mostly do so by mail.

Times have changed - but not the quality of Russian women. Russian women are the most beautiful, educated, loving, family centered women in the world. Just one moment, with a Russian woman formerly known mail order bride (yes, the old term), and you will notice that there is something unique about their stare, the warmth of their looks and the beauty of their glimpses.

(Hold on a second...Ahhh, I just had to squeeze Galya...Guys, let me tell you...Russian women are Amazing!)

OK, where was I..., yea, that's right, I was going to say Russian women have not been taught to be this way. Here's what I mean.

First, they cannot help the way they look as that is a matter of simple genetics. (Thank GOD for genetics!) But one thing a Russian woman does is to keep themselves in shape as these former mail order beautiful women take pride in their appearances. But it is not all about outward beauty.

Beautiful Russian brides are in a position where they must look good as there are more women than men than women in their country. Whether it be Russian, Ukraine or any other former Soviet Union country, the fact is that Russian women must compete for men harder than any other women from any other country. Here is Why Russian women compete.

The first reason is that past wars took the lives of many Russian men. The numbers of Russian women are simply less than that of Russian men. Russian women have a disadvantage as the men have more than enough choices of beautiful Russian women. Better said, the fact that there are more men than women means that Russian women must compete for the best men.

Would that be nice (if you are a man)? Also, Russian women have another disadvantage as man of the men have bad habits such as drinking vodka, being impatient, and staying out late at night. If a Russian woman becomes a bit distasteful of her husband; the man might not even think twice about kicking her to the curb so to speak. Affairs are common with men knowing the availability of beautiful Russian women who will take him in without a thought.

Yes, the beautiful Russian women have choices in many areas of their lives. But when it comes to finding their prince on a white horse, it is a long and tough battle.

This long tough battle is what puts you in position to get the Russian Bride of your dreams!
To discover exactly what you can do to make your dream come true then take the first step right now and enter you name and email in the boxes below and soon you will be squeezing on your passionate soul mate just like me!

How to Get a Russian Bride Even If You May Not Look Like Prince Charming

Although finding and marrying a beautiful Russian Bride may cause you to incur some expenses, you should in no way toss away one of the best opportunities of your life.

Why you say. Lets just ask ourselves this question: How much have we spent for cars over the span of your lifetimes? I am sure that we loved those cars and owning or leasing those cars provided us with great benefits. We probably put a down payment on our cars and agreed to a monthly pay schedule.

We washed, waxed, changed the oil, replaced the tires and batteries. Not to mention spending money on gas. Interesting, that is simply what we do.

But lets stop and think. What would we be willing to pay for a beautiful woman who loves her man, is a devoted wife, loves children, is great to look at, does not want all of a mans money and is willing to please her man in so many ways...

What price would we put on possessing that, and furthermore, what would we be willing to spend for such a beautiful Russian women? And we are talking about someone who will stand by our sides for a lifetime! Not for the duration of a cars years 7 Maybe 10 years?

If you answer that question in the way I do, the price would be priceless.

Have you ever financed something? Have you put money away for a life time? What will make you happier more money or a lot of lifetime of love and devotion from a Russian bride.

The point I am trying to make is that if we are accustomed to spending our money on material things, why in the world would we not spend our money on a Russian Bride?

If you are short on money, finance your expenses. Sell your cars. Take out a loan. Put a little more money on your credit card to partially fund the expenses. Work some overtime. Borrow money from a relative or friend. Have a garage sale or two.

Guys, let us not buy into the thinking that a beautiful Russian Bride is only for the men with money. Ask yourself, what is the value of such a woman? And if we understand that value, then we will scrounge for all the money we can. How could we not? Why would we not work so hard to find the pot of gold at the end of our rainbows? Sure, the guys with the money can make the process of marrying a Russian Bride easier, but in the end they will have the same type of relationship that the poor man will have, The same beautiful woman for life.

Thinking of things in this way can put a different perspective on our hopes for a lifetime of bliss with a beautiful Russian Bride.

I hope you found t his information to be helpful. If you would like a free Ebook with tips on how to get a Russian Bride, please see below.

What Do Women Really Want From Their Man

Alright, this article is not just for men, even though it is beneficial for you to know what a woman wants and expects from you. It is also important for you to know what you cannot expect from a man too soon. Women and men you both need to listen up if you want to find that perfect relationship. Here is what women want from a man and what women cannot expect from a man.

First, women want a man that is comforting, good looking, funny, and will take care of them. It is very important to understand that the one thing that women want most is to feel safe with a man. This is the most important and it comes from all the feelings of the man being secure in himself and with the relationship. Women also want honesty, great sex, and a guy that will listen to them.

Basically, women want a man that will give them everything. Some women will not admit it, but they want the night in shining armor and they want the man that will go the extra mile. The problem is that most men have been through a bad experience or two and are unwilling, at first, to go that extra mile. Men are more fragile than they want to admit. They want to be everything they can be for their woman, but after one heart break they are afraid to give themselves again.

Women, you need to understand that you cannot expect everything right off the bat. The first thing to understand is that if you are not willing to support your man while he becomes what he needs to become, then you will end up with the man you desire and he will trust that you will not leave him because you have been there from the beginning. You cannot expect a man to trust that you are going to be there for you if you don't support him.

There was once a woman in my life that told me if I got a good job, got out of debt, and became, basically the perfect man, she would be willing to date me again. Then, she told me later on that if I was able to make a half of a million dollars a year she would marry me. This is the type of woman that will never get me or any other guy if she makes comments like this. She is unwilling to support anybody and just wants the perfect man handed to her on a platter.

Women, you need to understand that you have to communicate with your man or he will not know what women want from a man and you will not be able to get what you want out of the relationship.