Imagine living a life being constantly controlled by those you love and who are supposed to love you, unconditionally? How would that make you feel? Have you ever come across someone you love who is controlling? Do you even know what controlling means? When you allow someone to control you, you allow them to speak to you any way they want, tell you what to do, when to do it, where to go and what time to be back, and more important, you lose a huge part of yourself. Some controlling people are also violent and verbally abusive.
Unfortunately, some people confuse one's controlling behaviour with love, and therefore continue to tolerate that person's behaviour. Maybe it's because they have been controlled so long that it seems natural to them. It really disturbs me when I know someone is being controlled and doesn't even recognise that they are being controlled, and if they do they don't know how to stop it. No one should allow anyone to control them. If you are being controlled you should consider seeking professional help to help you with this.
There are a several controlling people; they could be your parents, partners, siblings, friends or managers. I am only going to talk about controlling parents and partners.
Parents
Controlling parents try to make you feel guilty about things they want you to do, or think you should be doing. Some can be perfectionist and smothering. They can even go as far as using their illnesses to control their children, make constant demands, blame you for almost everything that goes wrong, lie about certain things, some are violent and verbally abusive and try and tell their adult children how to live their lives. On some occasions stop speaking to their children in the hopes that they will turn that child around to their way of doing and thinking.
Partners
Controlling partners in my opinion are insecure, immature and as with parents they too try and make you feel guilty about several things. They make demands, act as if though always know what's best for you; always trying to lead the way, blame you for everything and some become violent and verbally abusive.
Please see the below scenarios which will help you decide whether you are in a controlling relationship or not:
• Denise is thirty-one years old and has been living with her mother all her life. She tells her mother that she is moving out of the house and getting her own apartment in a few months time so that she can start being more independent. Her mother stopped the friendly communication and only made small talk with her until the day she left home; and when she moved out her mother completely stopped speaking to her.
• Michael is seventeen years old. All he has ever wanted to be is an artist, but his parents insist they will not pay for his upcoming college if he does not study to become a lawyer.
• John is eighteen years old and lives at home. He tells his parents that he is gay so they kick him out of the house and no longer speak to him.
• Cindy has been living with her partner Brian for two years. Brian questions where she's been, at every minute of the day, why she is two minutes late home, how he does not like her to go out with any of her friends, and tells her when she should return home after visiting with her parents.
• Sue has been living with her partner Robert for five years. Robert tells her what to wear, when to wear them and picks out all of her clothes.
• Andy has been living with Stephanie for six years. Stephanie demands that he gives her his weekly wages and gives him how much money she thinks he should have for the week to spend.
Do you get the picture now? If you recognise that you are being controlled, or that you are the controller find ways to correct the problem/your behaviour. For example, have a talk with your parent or partner to find out why they insist on being controlling, enrol in an anger management program, do some soul searching to find out why you are controlling - you will be surprised by what you find. Get to know yourself, whether you are the one being controlled or you are the controller. Try and change your behaviour. And if all else fails seek immediate professional help either through individual therapy or couple's therapy. Consider R.I.C. (Recognise the control, Understand the control and Change the behaviour) because it's not going to go away by itself. My favourite quote is: When you can't change a really bad situation, or someone else, change yourself!
Whether it is parents or partners or anyone else who is controlling, controlling people like to put conditions on everything. You are your own individual and if you are an adult you certainly should be making your own decisions. Decisions shouldn't be made for us unless we are of unsound mind, disabled etc. These types of people both live in fear - fear of the unknown, fear of what might happen if they change. It's sounds silly but it's true, most people are actually afraid of change, particularly people who control other people.
However, they are miserable inside, for several reasons, but would never let you know the reasons why. If they do they end up using their situation to control you and it just continues. Chances are they have also been controlled by someone at some point and maybe having control is the only way they know how to behave.
Finally, if there is any degree of violence in any of your relationships, I would suggest you leave the relationship if the violence does not stop immediately after confronting the person who is being violent. Don't be afraid; you are a human being and should be treated like one. Give that person one chance to correct the situation and if they don't change, leave! Violence should not be a part of any relationship - period!
All the best with staying in control!
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