I was a bully in middle school. When I was in the eighth grade, though, the way I viewed bullying suddenly changed. I became the victim of bullying and it was no fun! Stepping into the shoes of those I used to abuse, I quickly realized what a horrible experience it is to be a victim of bullying. During my seventh grade year, I spent much time bullying my classmate "Mike" (not his real name). Mike was physically and mentally handicapped. I teased Mike and made fun of the way he walked and talked. Every day, I brutally abused this poor, defenseless boy. Mike's eyes held loneliness, pain, and suffering, but I just looked away. Towards the end of the year I grew tired of bullying Mike and in fact began to feel guilty about the way I was treating him. My parents had taught me right from wrong and I knew that God was not pleased with the way I was treating others. The guilt associated with my behavior finally got the best of me.
One day, I decided that I was not going to bully Mike or any other students. I made the decision that during my eighth grade year, I would protect the students who were being bullied. When the school year began, I had no way of knowing that the bullied student would be me. For the first three months of eighth grade, I was doing well in my classes and I had a great social life.
However, I was about to experience something I had never experienced before. Fear. The first time I noticed "Joe" (not his real name) following me I thought it was just my imagination. However, it didn't take long for paranoia to be replaced with the realization that I was being bullied. Initially, the threats were subtle. But these infrequent encounters soon escalated into daily intimidation. Even though I was not being verbally threatened or physically abused, the angry stares that Joe directed my way were enough for me to fear for my safety. Wondering what I had done to upset him and how to resolve the situation would occupy my daily thoughts. Dealing with this new experience and putting strategies into place to manage this situation would be my focal point for the next two months. I didn't know what to do. Because of the fear it was difficult to make decisions. I spent many nights praying and crying myself to sleep. I kept asking God to solve this problem for me. Initially, my request went unanswered, or at least that's what I thought.
Finally, I decided that I should avoid the bully. For a 14 year old, this seemed like a logical first step. I started arriving to school later and would take different routes to each of my classes. It didn't take me long to figure out that this strategy was not effective. In fact, avoiding Joe only seemed to anger him and increase the threat level. I considered telling someone about the situation, but initially decided against it. I was too embarrassed to tell my teachers or my friends and I didn't want to worry my parents. Suffering in silence, I kept the secret to myself. I had never felt so alone and desperate. My usual upbeat and positive attitude was replaced with thoughts of hopelessness and depression. I wanted so badly for this problem to go away, but it seemed like a resolution was nowhere in sight. Being a victim of bullying shattered my self-esteem and left me doubting that the future held any promise. Confronting Joe was another strategy I contemplated using.
The main reason I decided against this tactic is because I was scared. I was physically smaller than Joe and I also knew that getting into a fight would lead to trouble at school. I wanted to avoid this. I wanted to do the right thing. Fighting fire with fire is not something I had been taught to do. 'Turning the other cheek' was a strategy I was more comfortable with. However, I knew I needed to do something fast. My grades started to suffer. In class, it was difficult to pay attention to the teacher. My thoughts were focused on Joe and how I was going to avoid him. I also became more withdrawn and had difficulty eating and sleeping. This problem was affecting every aspect of my life and it felt like I was stuck. Everything I had tried up to this point was not working. I started to realize that this situation was more than I could manage. I knew I needed to tell someone, but I didn't know who.
To my dismay, I saw Joe the next day standing by my classroom door eagerly awaiting my arrival. The evil smile on his face almost paralyzed me with fear. "God, please help me," was all I could say. I quickly did a u-turn and headed in the other direction. This did nothing to deter my foe. Noticing a piece of leather in Joe's hand and anger in his eyes, I was terrified! The fear returned. My heart was racing and I felt sick to my stomach. This was the first time I had felt physically threatened. After following me for what seemed like an eternity, Joe randomly decided to leave me alone. Arriving late to class with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I fended off the stares of my classmates and sat down at my desk. My teacher approached me to see if I was okay. Even though I denied the existence of a problem, my teacher knew something was wrong. I wanted to tell her, but I was too scared. I thought that if Joe found out that I had told someone, he would hurt me. Sharing this issue with someone else was a difficult step. But, in order for this problem to go away, I knew it was a step I had to take.
That night, I told my parents. They had always been my primary support system and I knew that I could trust them. After sharing the experience of my nightmare with them, we worked together to find a solution. After much discussion, we determined that speaking to one of my teachers should be the next step. Having this conversation with my parents was a turning point. They gave me the confidence to face my fear and defeat my enemy. After speaking with one of my teachers, the abuse stopped. A resolution had finally been reached and my prayers had been answered. Telling an adult that I was being bullied should have been my first step in the process but as a child I did not know that. Telling an adult should be the first step for all students who are victims of bullying. For some students, though, this strategy may not work. I was fortunate. My parents and teacher supported me and did their best to help. Not all adults will be so supportive.
This unfortunate event has taught me that we can't do things alone. Trusting others and communicating your concerns with them is a powerful strategy to use. This learning experience has really shaped the person I am today. As a former classroom teacher and administrator, I dealt with bullying and bullies almost on a daily basis. Besides living with the fear, I've seen it in many of my students. As a bully expert and professional speaker, I work with schools to help eliminate bullying. If you are concerned that your child may be a victim of bullying, don't wait until it's too late.
- Communicate with your child every day and ask if other students at school are bothering him/her.
- If your child admits to being a victim of bullying, please support him/her and work together to find a solution.
- Encourage your child to speak to an adult, e.g., teachers, counselors, or administrators about the problem.
The fear associated with being a victim of bullying is real. The fear is so real that there are instances of students resorting to suicide as the only escape. However, we can prevent this. Educating the students, school staff and parents about bullying is the first line of defense. Bullying can be stopped. No child deserves to go through this experience.
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