So Your Ex Won't Talk to You

So your ex won't talk to you - but you want to talk to them. A very common reaction is: "They're not talking to me, so I'm not going to talk to them!"

Two wrongs don't make a right. And by maintaining this break, you're just going to make things worse.

If you want to get your ex back you have to re-establish a rapport. But skilfully.

When a ship comes in to dock in a harbour, a sailor throws a big steel cable over onto the land to tie up. (You're the ship, your ex is the harbour.) But the steel cable is too heavy for a sailor to throw - and flying through the air it's liable to kill someone. So the sailor throws over a little thin piece of rope that's attached to a thicker piece of rope which is attached to a yet thicker rope. The longshoreman on the harbour side picks up the thin rope and then can haul in the bigger ropes and eventually the steel cable.

A little at a time you need to skilfully re-establish a rapport with your ex in a similar way. Otherwise you're likely to send them spinning. Simple, isn't it?

But what happens if your ex won't even answer the phone, and won't pick up the thin piece of rope? Some even throw it back! There you need to use another tactic called "the hidden hand". It simply exploits basic human nature. Heard the saying, 'Curiosity killed the cat'? (except we're not going to kill your ex!) Professional negotiators know this tactic very well.

Curiosity is one of the most powerful forces in human nature. It's why we're now at the top of the evolutionary tree! So get your ex's curiosity on your side. No begging or antagonism. Instead, something brief in a light and friendly tone of voice, like this:

"Hi, John. Just want to say thanks for that favour you did me. Call me - I'd like to tell you in person."

Now, your ex is thinking: "What favour? What did I do that had that good effect?" And because you're speaking in a light and friendly manner, there isn't a risk to them in contacting you.

You're dealing with very unpredictable forces here! So you do need to know what you're going to do and have a good gameplan established.

What is a game plan? Well, it's a strategy. A plan of action. You will get your ex back a lot easier and smoother if you have some kind of plan. And if you don't have one, things are very much more likely to go badly wrong.

For example, supposing you have succeeded in getting your ex now talking to you. Great! But what are you going to say? You can't just say "Oh! Thanks for ringing ... er ... how about we get back together?" You see? It probably won't work. But you could say something like "Hey! I saw Joe last night and he invited us to his party! Now I know we have split up but he will be a bit upset if you don't turn up - so as a favour to "Joe" can I tell him you'll be there?"

Can you see? Here, you don't make it sound as though you are desperate for your ex to attend Joe's party. Your attitude should be as if you really don't care what they do ... but that you think they should turn up for Joe's benefit. That takes the pressure off your ex and makes it easier for them to turn up.

Now! Once your ex is at the party then you start to work on the next step of the game plan in order to get your ex back.

Game plans don't have to be complex but they do have to be based on sound principles. If you are going to win back your ex, you will have better success and less emotional confusion if you develop a good game plan.