Perhaps you don't have a name for this behavior, but are anyhow upset and saddened by this lack of cooperation from your hubby. When you expect that both are going to share in the best cooperative style the household chores, you find yourself doing 90% of them...and receiving a bunch of well crafted excuses from him.
In how many ways is passive aggression affecting you and your marriage? You can have your partner doing something like this:
"Forgetting" on purpose to do an errand you are counting on;
Failing to do his share of the house chores; or doing sub-standard work on purpose so you need to take over and finish the task;
Having a constant critical, negative and non constructive attitude towards planning your life together;
Mentioning and critizicing your faults (behind your back) to your parents or friends while maintaining a "sweet face" toward you.
Many relationships have encountered this tough obstacle to a happy relationship. It can be very confusing and often thought of as "crazy-making," because passive aggressive behavior expresses negative feelings, resentment and anger in an unassertive, almost hidden and passive way. This kind of covert abuse is subtle and disguised by actions that appear to be "normal," even at times loving and caring.
As an example, many wives have had their diets sabotaged by a passive-aggressive husband who suddenly starts bringing home candy or encourage her to have dessert "just this one time." It is framed as "being nice to you by bringing the ice cream," and he might even sound supportive, but what he is reallydoing is working to sabotage the wife's efforts to improve her looks and well-being.
The passive-aggressive spouse knows your weak spots and uses sarcastic and cruel remarks to mention them under the guise of "humor." He'll say afterwards that you are "too serious" if you object, but his "humor" is loaded with hostility and criticism - another indirect way of getting back at you instead of expressing his feelings directly and looking for solutions.
How do you identify hidden anger indicators?
You need to look at "accidental" actions that result in damages (material or psychological); events where you are left without support or protection regardless his protestations of good desires to be there and help; and in all, the emotionally cold overall environment
Once you feel depleted, exhausted and so alone as to be ready to scream, you realize that you have been attacked in a snide way; and you want to stop attacks and defend yourself from them.
SO, you need to move from a passive position, where you suffer this hubby's behavior and can't do nothing to counteract it, to a real active intervention destined to frame, identify, and discourage this behavior, by first recognizing it as the extremely hurtful behavior it really is.
You have now three very urgent questions:
1.- How can you identify when he is sabotaging your marriage by this resentful and negative attitude?
2.- How can you stop him and make him fulfill his role of careful and loving husband?
3.- How do you repair yourself from the damages produced by his sneak attacks on your self-esteem?
How to promote healthier interpersonal relationships?
In situations like experiencing permanent passive aggressive attacks we need to propose active measures to identify the aggression, stop it then and there; clarify your husband's motivations, and work on a plan to repair the damaging impacts of his hidden aggression on the relationship and on you. So, now you know what to do!
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