Human Connections Come From Within

As I walk through life and connect up with others I am constantly amazed by our individuality. At the same time I am also fascinated by the very things that keep us connected. Nothing is more concrete than our need to belong to something or someone. As much as we desire our freedom, individuality and uniqueness we are still creatures that desire connection and group recognition.

I recall sitting on the highway one day, stuck in rush hour traffic, waiting and waiting to move just a few feet ahead. I started to experience extreme frustration; I just wanted to get home. I needed to cook dinner for my kids and I had better things to do than sit in a car. As I looked at the thousands of cars that surrounded me I realized that I was surrounded by a sea of people that wished they were someplace else. Somehow, I found that comforting.

Our perspectives jump from our own internal desires, language and beliefs to the external world and the people we interact with, 100's of times a day. As we go about our day we look at who we are and what we do and then we check it with what others do, and what we believe they think about us. It is a fascinating relationship - our desire to be separate and independent, yet connected and appreciated.

Recently I completed a paper on how coaching can improve the conversations we have with one another and deepen our connections. It is a subject that has always held my curiosity and I love to explore the gaps that take place in human communication. So many people find themselves hurt by what others say, or what they believe they said. It is a powerful topic to explore. While doing my research I came across a book that I absolutely fell in love with. It's an oldie but a goodie. It was created far before Life Coaching was even recognized as a profession or skill yet it highlights some of the very aspects of coaching and of good communication skills.

I thought I would share a few of these with you today. The book is called Human Connections by John Diekman.

The author points out that the quality of our relationships is directly related to the conversations that take place within our relationships. If the communication that takes place between you and another is tight, angry, or bitter then the relationship has those same qualities. He also goes on to say that "Communication is the human connection. It's the tie that binds us together." Then he goes on to state on the very same page that, "A realistic and strong sense of self is at the root of all productive behavior."

For me, it is plain to see that in order for us to have a strong sense of self we have to first handle the conversations within our head. To do this we must monitor our self talk, wipe out our fears and doubts, challenge old beliefs, set new goals and with support, move toward a healthier image of our selves.

It's also plain to see that our connections with others, our desire to belong, our belief about what others think or see in us, is directly related to our conversations with others and ourselves. So the desire to be recognized and feel like we belong to a group, family or tribe - starts first within.

This isn't new information of course, yet the impact of it is staggering and needs to be openly promoted. If we don't feel good about ourselves we can't have a real conversation with another person. Instead we will hear our own doubts, fears or beliefs and make assumptions based on those.

In a world were over half of all marriages end in divorce, kids tease each other and put each other down, and co-workers gossip and spread lies I wonder what the world would do if it was forced to see that the conversations we have, the words we use, the things we say are always a reflection of our own selves. They are a reflection of our own lives, thoughts, beliefs and fears.

So if you find yourself feeling left out, lonely, desiring a group to belong to or needing outside confirmation. Ask yourself:

• What kind of conversation am I having with myself?


• Would I allow someone else to speak to me the way I am speaking to myself?


• What are my beliefs about me?


• Am I really lonely, or afraid of being alone?


• Are my beliefs about myself serving me and my relationships?


• Can I create a more positive perspective of myself and be comfortable with just me?

When it comes to relationships and a sense of belonging, our internal relationship is always reflected in our external relationships. If you desire to have deeper relationships, belong to a community, or be in a healthy long term romantic relationship take a minute and evaluate your internal dialog. Change your internal conversation and you change the relationship!